Tainted Love


Off-Topic Discussions


Back in the Dreamtime of the mid 80s, I dated and then lived with a girl in college that I'd known previously from high school. We'd not seen each other in a few years, and the first MONTH was good. Then it became the most poisonous, vicious, angry, intense, and passionate love/hate relationship imaginable. When we broke up I sank into a huge depression that lasted years (and probably carried over and contributed to my current depression).

Now, after we broke up we didn't see or speak to each other in 17 years. Then, in 2004, she contacted me out of the blue. It was pretty emotional for me, and I told her so. But we buried hatchets and became friends again, of a sort. We pretty much stopped contact after 2006, but she had gotten under my skin by then.

Now it's 2014, and just as in 1987 when we broke up she's the focal point in my mind. I've been married (for better or worse) since 1990. We've been separated for years, not really wanting to be married but not really able to make the divorce final, either. We just know we need to be apart. We get along great, but that's another story.

So, the first girl, whom I'll call Sister Golden Hair because of her nearly white blonde hair (natural, I might add) occasionally texts me or emails me, just to say "Hi". Trouble is, she's made it very clear she wants to get back together. I know this is pure, 100% poison and I fight the urge to do so every day. Our past was so tumultuous and emotionally damaging that to think of living like that again is terrifying. But how do I convince myself that getting back together with her would be like sticking my head in a lava pit, yet I can't get her out of my head? I'm 50 bloody years old. I shouldn't have this problem... lol

AAAAGGHH... cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep


There are a couple things you can do here. Try any combination to see what works for you.

Stop it.

When she is in your head have a blunt instrument rush to join the party.

Cartoons.

Soap Operas.

Poke yourself in the eye.

This is my not patented, not legally approved method. Now at the low low price $0.00 Canadian. Just apply directly to the forehead.


How much is that in American dollars? I'll buy it.


Don't do it, friend. You know how it will end. Love her from afar, knowing that despite your feelings for each other, you just can't work in a relationship.


Well, if you're Catholic, just stay religious unless you actually get a divorce (in which case, well...you're Catholic and that should be all that needs to be said in that case).

I'd always advocate getting a divorce before getting into any other relationships. Trust me. If you do get into another relationship and you have a spouse who decides to divorce you at that point...it will RUIN YOU. They will use it against you and it WILL normally HOLD UP in court. If you care anything about not starving to death in the future...don't do anything while you are married. Now if you are divorced...or get divorced...or are finally single at some point...

At which point, I'd say, screw the past, this is now. Jump in head first and hope there aren't rocks at the bottom.

If you are holding on because of something that happened 26-27 years ago...well...times change and people change...who knows if what was then will be a repeat now, or something new will occur.


4 people marked this as a favorite.

If any of my old girlfriends from 20 years ago are reading this...gimme a call! I haven't changed a bit! Arrested adolescence and all that...


3 people marked this as a favorite.

Having read your posts in the other thread about Depression and Motivation, and having been in my share of dysfunctional co-dependant relationships (not saying yours was either or both) I would suggest definitely NOT hooking up with the Tainted Love. Sounds like a recipe way worse than you need.

Extra points for the cool thread title. I half-hoped this thread would be about the song...

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

It may help you to remember that since then, you both have changed. Neither you nor she are the same people from the '80s. Maybe that means she's mellowed and you might be able to make a serious go of it now; maybe not. Either way, it won't bring back what you had back then. It will never be the same.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Herman Melville wrote:
There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness.


Sum total... people don't change. At least not personality-wise. She is not what you need, according to how you describe her and your previous relationship. What you have to do is tell her so. Do so, saying whatever you need to say to make 100% sure this does not remain as anything resembling an option in your mind. If it takes insulting her, do so. Anything she can't report you to the police for, you need to do, to be certain you don't keep thinking about it.

And when you've done this, cry yourself to sleep for as long as it takes. Better to do the hurt now than trying a relationship with her and getting far worse (including divorce-related suffering) later.

Sometimes, you need to burn a bridge with someone.


We won't be getting back together. I'm crazy, but not insane. I've just got her under my skin and can't seem to get rid of her.

Dark Archive

Have you tried therapy?


*See related thread* lol

I've been in therapy for years.

Liberty's Edge

1 person marked this as a favorite.
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
We won't be getting back together. I'm crazy, but not insane. I've just got her under my skin and can't seem to get rid of her.

Have you tried pumice and bleach?


30 years is a long time.....

The most important question is, Does she play Pathfinder?

EDIT: Math blunder


LOL she absolutely would if given the chance. She played D&D back when we were together.


I wouldn't sweat it Cal. I think about women past, present, and future often enough. It's just something that I assume most guys do. Yes, it can be distracting, but it hopefully leads to something.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Confession time. The same basic thing has happened with me. Tempestuous high school romance, lasted for 2 years, broke it off when I went to college, our paths diverged... and 20 years later, she came back, and fully admitted her undying love for me.

Problem is, I'm happily married. Didn't stop the rush of emotions, though. I told my wife about this. She laughed and said that it's all okay, she doesn't care, as long as we aren't touching. I had moved cross country, so that much was easy to prove.

I still ended up getting really close to my ex, and to her daughter. I was like a family member for them--even though my ex hoped we could marry, somehow.

In the end, everything exploded. She came to mistrust me, I found myself trying to distance myself, and I ended up breaking up with her in the most acerbic way possible. Her daughter chewed me out and blocked me a week later--probably for the best. My wife laughed like a triumphant faerie queen when she heard the news. I still miss my ex, but I know that I am unhealthy for her, and she is unhealthy for me. I'm not going to reconnect.

Cal, the feelings will fade as you spend time apart. It helps if you've got someone you can replace the feelings with--which, if you're separated, maybe you don't. I know, the feelings are real, but the truth is, they're feelings for a memory, a pattern in your brain that was created and never quite dismantled. But that pattern doesn't exist here and now. Not anymore. You won't be able to find it by pursuing her, and you know how it's all going to end in flames. I recognized it when I met my ex's daughter--she acted enough like my ex did back in high school that my brain started trying to yearn again--so it wasn't the person I was looking for, but the pattern. That time you're yearning for is in the past. It can't be recreated. It doesn't stop the emotions, but knowing where they're from and what they are hopefully helps with dealing with them.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Wsj, im sorry for how it ended.

I also fear and respect your wife.


Thank you.

And yes, my wife's a headying, breathtaking combination of innocent and diabolically crafty. When I describe her as a faerie queen, I'm quite honest.


Thanks, Wrong John. You really hit it, I think.


Wrong John Silver wrote:

Thank you.

And yes, my wife's a headying, breathtaking combination of innocent and diabolically crafty. When I describe her as a faerie queen, I'm quite honest.

Inform her of my approval.

Community / Forums / Gamer Life / Off-Topic Discussions / Tainted Love All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.
Recent threads in Off-Topic Discussions