Ethersnare Dust
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 300 gp; Weight —
Description
This shimmering silver dust is almost weightless. It gleams oddly: each grain becoming insubstantial for a moment before returning, trailing specks of shadow in its wake. As a full-round action the dust can be thrown into the air, creating a wall of glimmering motes adjacent to the thrower that is 5-ft. wide, 5-ft. high, and up to 15-ft. long. The wall lasts for 3 rounds while the dust slowly disperses.
An incorporeal creature attempting to move through the wall must make a DC 13 Fortitude save to push through the swirling dust. On a failed save the dust snares the creature, coalescing thousands of tiny pieces of it into semi-physical form. This immediately stops the creature's movement and reduces their speed by half for 3 rounds, or until the creature spends a full-round action extracting the disrupting dust.
Any corporeal creature or object passing through the wall immediately disperses the dust. A moderate or stronger wind disperses the dust in 1 round.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Ghostbane Dirge; Cost 150 gp
I've always had a fondness for dusts as wondrous items. Well done, funky, got some mojo. This is NOT an "x of the y" with ability A and then better ability B. Good originality. So many things try to let the user affect ethereal/incorporeal it is nice to see a twist--preventing contact from the ethereal/incorporeal.
Contributor; Publisher, Kobold Press; RPG Superstar Judge
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Huh, this is interesting. Kind of great flavor, but the mechanics are too niche for me. Maybe incorporeal creatures are more common than I give them credit for, but this seems a touch too specific to interest me much if I'm a GM or gamer flipping through a lot of items for my next game.
That said, it is well-done, though designed a little too narrowly for my tastes.
I like it, it's a nice little consumable. The save should be a Will save, though.
Contributor
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Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
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Welcome to the Top 32, ubiquitous!
You've discovered an interesting niche with your wondrous item, with some similarities to dust of appearance, but with a decidedly different effect. I like that you didn't simply negate the creature's incorporeality. You did a great job considering how other factors affect the wall of dust. The only issue I noticed with this item is your capitalization of the spell name, and I have a minor quibble with taking a full-round action to throw the dust, especially since the dust's owner most likely has to retrieve the dust. These concerns are easily outweighed, though.
Best of luck to you for the rest of the contest!
This is an interesting idea, which is why I wish this entry had information about hitting an incorporeal creature directly. As written I don’t see it being often effective against many more creatures in the Bestiary than a shadow or greater shadow (int 6). The rest of the incorporeal creatures in the Bestiary have intelligence 10 or higher which is the threshold I would use for these creatures to not mindlessly move through the wall of swirling dust. They could simply go around, over, or under the 15-ft long wall to assault the dust thrower. Also, the DC 13 Fort negates is rather weak against a ghost (Fort +7), wraith (Fort +6), and shadow demon (Fort +5). This would be a good example of ‘you get what you pay for.’
First of all, congratulations on making the Top 32! That in itself is a major accomplishment and it’s something you should take great pride in. You rock!
Hmmm. Ghost-catching pixie dust? Ok, I'm interested! Neat concept, but I'm with Steve on the effectiveness. Most incorporeal creatures are going to make that DC 13 saving throw a majority of the time. Maybe raise the DC to 15 or 20 and give the creature the staggered or stunned condition for 1 round on a successful save? That said, this dust is pretty nifty and has a good bit of mojo going for it. Nice work! Best of luck in the archetype round!
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Thematically good, mechanically dubious. I'm not as big a fan of dust-based items as Clark. But okay.
I agree with Steve that the Will save is too low. Combined with the "go-around" problem, there's too great a chance that a party aware of the impending attack of incorporeal undead (which is already not super likely) digs out the dust (move action) throws it in the air( standard action...crap, full-round action?), and through successful saves or simply ducking around, the attacking spectres are completely unaffected.
Which is unfortunate. Players are pretty fickle, an item only has to completely fail them once before they eschew it completely. Perhaps instead of creating a wall, the dust could create a cloudy area that the spectre would have to penetrate to attack within. Perhaps the save could be bumped a little. But, as written, I don't see this as being effective.
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This was one of my other favorite items during the voting. Congrats!
I would have liked to see mention of it being in a radius rather than in a square or squares up to 15 ft long. Truly my only gripe about the function.
I lied, the other gripe I had was that shouldn't it be able to make and Escape Artist check or Combat Maneuver to escape?
Other than that, kudos!
Nice Item. Interesting Concept. Looking forward to your archetype.
First-off, thank-you everyone who voted for my item, and thank-you to the judges for their comments. I was absolutely astounded when I found out that I'd made the cut. With the quality and imagination shown by those entering, I guessed my poor Ethersnare Dust would fall by the wayside for not being quite "wondrous" enough. Needless to say, I'm ecstatic that it captured the imagination of a crowd large enough to launch me into the Top 32.
Now, for the item. I wanted to make a battlefield control-style item for the low-level play, and I settled on the niche of helping deal with incorporeal creatures (which can be very deadly to low-level characters, as many classes lack tools to effectively fight them). It should help the players either funnel combat into the areas they want, or just give them a greater chance of being able to flee, so that they can return more prepared for a second attempt.
Why is it a Fortitude save? I see the dust as sticking to an incorporeal creature as it tries to rush through the wall, then ripping small shreds of it into the physical world. To me, that sounds very painful, and to be able to push through that pain and pursue one's target... well, I suppose that could be argued for a Will save too. The other reason was that - having looked at incorporeal creatures - their fort saves were lower for the applicable targets.
Why is it DC13? Yes, I guess it could be higher, but I didn't want to make the item too effective. It shouldn't make a party absolutely safe against incorporeal creatures at lower levels, and it shouldn't be so useful as to still be a go-to item against them in higher-level play. DC13 is also base difficulty for the 2nd-level spell used in its creation, if my maths are correct.
Why a full-round action? I went back and forth on this one a lot. I agree that not being able to pull it out and throw it in the same round is a problem, but having it distributed over multiple squares seemed more than a standard action.
Why not a larger area? Expected usage. Again, when used in low-level play, the most common areas that incoporeal creatures (shadows) are encountered is in crypts or dungeons: tight enclosures, where the area covered by the dust is suitible to the party's needs.
Why not Escape Artist/CMB check? I used the rules for a creature being on fire, as opposed to one being ensared/grappled, as an incorporeal creature would merely have to concentrate on letting the dust fall through its form to be free of it (a full-round action, because the dust moves slowly).
I hope that covered all the comments, and once again, a huge thank-you to everyone who voted for the item. I hope that my archetype can drum up as much interest in the following selection.
If anyone has more questions or critiques, please, feel free to speak your mind.
Now for the archetype round. Why must I be so busy?! Being an amateur actor is coming back to bite me in the behind.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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While I really liked this cheap consumable that snared incorporeal creatures, I agree with others that in a barrier format, it's just not effective against creatures that can pass through the surrounding walls, floors, etc to quickly avoid it. A similar effect against corporeal foes would be cool, or a targeted throwing of the dust at incorporeal foes to coat them with it would work, just not this combo.
Anti-ethereal items seem very popular as superstar items. I like its short duration and the fact that corporeal creatures disperse it. It seems like the perfect 'buy a little time' item for an adventuring party unprepared for an undead attack.
My adventuring party lost two characters to shadows a few months ago. Ethersnare dust could have saved their bacon.
This was definitely one of the more memorable consumable items. It has some roughness around the edges, but I thought it was a neat utility item and it didn't make me wince at the idea of it being a consumable, which is I think the trickiest part about designing consumable items.
I think you played with an interesting aspect of the game and this item has a lot of potential. I can't wait to see your archetype!
Of all of the ghost-busting items I saw this year, this was easily my favorite.
Congratulations, and I'll see you in Round 2!
This was on my 28-item keep list. I liked its simplicity combined with its usefulness. I'll confess I didn't consider how easily intelligent creatures could bypass it, but I think that's easily dealt with by making it possible to stand inside the cloud. Really all that's required there is being able to make the volume into different shapes.
Isaac,
Congratulations on your spot in the Top 32. Your item definitely has some interesting flavor and I remember voting it up several times along the way. When I had to vote it down, it was usually against an item that was more mechanically sound. My main concern with this item was that it makes a wall. When fighting incorporeal/ethereal creatures, they're not limited to two dimensional map movement. They could easily go up or down to avoid such an obstacle, assuming they correctly assessed it as a threat. In any event, it's got some solid creativity at its core. Good luck in the next round.
Isaac, congratulations on making it in!
I like your item, and while I'm torn on it not making etherial creatures tangible as long as they're stuck... you're probably right to have done what you did. Too many other items hit that, and a low level consumable is a good new way to deal with incorporeal creatures.
Your design thoughts are interesting to read, too. I love that you took the time to post them. Look forward to next round!
I like cheap consumables that are viable choices for lower-level PCs on one of their first post-dungeon shopping sprees. This one's a little weak, though. It halves the speed of incorporeal creatures? I guess that's useful for low-level PCs, who are likely to just run away from any incorporeal creature more powerful than a shadow. I'd like to see the item pack a little more oomph, though, so that it gets a bit more use in mid-level play. (It also feels more than a bit inspired by a similar item featured in the third book of The Dresden Files - neither a pro nor a con, really, just an observation.)
Editing nitpicks: Read up on how distances and measurements should be formatted in item stat blocks. You're doing it wrong on several levels. Also, don't capitalize spell names.
The Good: Really like the mechanics and utility of this, good description.
The Bad: Price is too cheap considering it removes challenge from creature/monster/casters that use etherial.
The Ugly: Goofer Dust-Supernatural, Ghost Dust-The Dresden Files, that's just 2 versions of this I have seen in fiction, makes me wonder if you're thinking along the lines of proffesional writers (great minds think alike) or if you're drawing on sources unknowlingly which is indeed something that happens to the best of us.
Overall: Good work and Congrats.
I like this item a lot. I really like cheap consumable items, and things that have to do with dust. This is quite an original one, and while it seems hard to actually pull off on a battle, It should find a place in one of Tim's Pockets (These little Halflings have too many things on their pockets!).
Congratulations Isaac, good luck on the next round!
As prior entries will tell you, Template Fu is one mean point eating machine, but will also praise where praise is due.
These reviews being this in depth usually take me a while to do and they get fitted in around other demands on my time, so please bear with me if I haven’t gotten to your item yet. I will get there in the end.
Review Caveat: I try to keep things totally dispassionate and all comments herein are my own. Having not made the illustrious levels that you have achieved this year, I can only caveat that anything I propose in feedback may not be totally in line with what Paizo thinks or needs of its freelance game designers, so do consider carefully any and all feedback I make under this light.
I start your review with…
Congratulations on being selected by the public at large and then the stalwart judges!
Review Breakdown:
Template: 4/5
Hungry! Hmmm what’s this… you were so close, including use of none for the slot ( so you knew to check the errata or own a 5th + printing book ;) ), but the capitalization of the spells cost you – you did manage to spot they needed italicizing though, and got the emdash on the weight and removed the pesky weight qualifier too.
Spelling: 5/5
This bit IS boilerplate to avoid confusion. Everyone should know to use US English, so you just know that I am going to eat points for stray ‘u’ letters and similar.
Template curls up asleep, nothing to see here, move along now…
Readability: 5/5
These are readings you can get from most spelling and grammar check options in word processors, for this, I am pasting everyone’s description into Word for consistency. My grading’s are purely my own personal feelings for target scores but it should be noted these are very helpful during development to spot problems in your writing, especially passivity.
Passive Sentences 0% (awesome, pay attention people – this is how it’s done)
There are whole threads on this and it is possible to get 0%, which is wicked, but I would expect scores of less than 20% to be around the ideal mark for item descriptions (sometimes, you need the passive, but only rarely).
Flesch Reading Ease 60.5 (again, this is good for me)
(0-30 best understood by university graduates, 60-70 easily understood by 13-15 year olds, 90-100 easily understood by 11 year olds)
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level 9.3 (slightly higher than I like, but not enough to lose points)
(This equates to the grades found in the US schooling system, e,g. 8.2 means it should be understandable by the average 8th grade student)
Me as a Designer Review: 4/5
Ok, one thing I have started looking at is redundancy in my descriptions and phrases, by this I mean, do I repeat things too much, do I use “prized by” and similar meme’s. Your description provided a good opportunity to try and exhibit this – sentence 1, we know the silver dust shimmers, it doesn’t normally do that, so in sentence 2, it is possible to argue that the “It gleams oddly” has already been covered.
That being said, I have very clumsy turns of phrase myself and often repeat things in similar ways – it is a hard habit to break, I still haven’t but I think I’m starting to get there. (I know this from my archetype I developed, once I had all the powers how I liked, I was 160 words over count, with a limit of 450, that’s basically 125% of word count. I worked hard on looking for wasted words, repeating phrases, passive sentences (a good source of saving word count too). I finally ended up with a final draft 162 words lighter without losing a single thing with regards the abilities – yeah, I know your pain.
It is worth anyone working on this critical review skill for reviewing their own writing – those word walls will start hurting big time in later rounds, and a concise turn of phrase will help you loads.
You also use old school –ft on your measurements – look at other items – they don’t do that now 5 feet not 5-ft is what you need to look for. This is true of most things, when you write something, look at it, have you seen similar elsewhere in the rules, find it and compare – are you being consistent with the rules. Your employer(s) will expect a high degree of consistency with his(their) rules. Be aware of this and always check when you are not sure.
When scanning the powers of the item, I see first how it is activated that’s good, then the next thing I expect to see is what that activation does. Here I see how long it lasts, not what it does. Always, always, always (can’t stress this enough), put the cool power first, then and only then say how long it lasts, how it ends, etc. As an example (I’m no expert remember) you could have said something like
“Throwing the dust into the air creates a shimmering wall that prevents incorporeal beings from passing through.” Then go on to size, duration, etc. details. Now when I scan down, I know what it does straight away and am able to make an informed decision about whether I need to read further.
Also note that with my turn of phrase, when you get to “this immediately stops the creature’s movement and reduces its speed by half”… now we already know the creature stops, so saved some words there. Also as written, I did double take when just reading through, the creature has stopped… reduces its speed by half… hang on, it stopped – isn’t that more than half? I would probably qualify this by saying base speed or movement rate depending on sentence structure and examples of phrasing found elsewhere in other items.
The closing paragraph is good, closes off the effect, and caters for most eventualities to counter the item – this is very nice. Also consider environments, I assume that it doesn’t work underwater, in a vacuum but you haven’t explicitly said so ( a good GM will argue it’s not air, but let’s help them by closing those loopholes).
OK, a lot of writing about writing but that said, the design is quite tight. I think I will only dock the one point here, just to encourage you to review more often and to come back fresh a few times after taking a break.
Overall Impression: 4/5
Almost perfect use of the template – when getting commissions for work, look at the templates and if you are unsure, ask. An employer would much rather you ask up front than have to edit after the fact.
Some nice visuals – kind of reminded me of Al’s doorway from Quantum Leap – I don’t know if that was the inspiration, but it stuck with me the more I read it. This is good work, but you need to swing for the fences going forwards and tighten the writing some too.
Sorry, gotta knock a point for that capitalization here too – it does kind of stand out when looking at the item from a distance and distracts the eyes.
Final Score: 22/25
I won’t give a final score comment as I haven’t for anyone else as I work through the items.
If this interests for personal reasons, please feel free to check out everyone else’s scores and at the same time check out your competition and their feedback too!
Closing, as I started…
Congratulations on being selected!
GM, I have to disagree with you on your 'bad' point. This item hardly nerfs incorporeal creatures any more than buying a ghost-touch weapon does. It's a good, useful consumable with a strong focus on one particular level range.
This is one of the ones that invoked shadow imagery that I really liked. I am glad to see it in the top 32 as I voted it up several times. Good Luck in round 2.
Congrats.
Never saw this one in voting, but would have voted it down. It's just too niche and bland for me, sorry.
Congratulations Isaac,
I like the dust in its function. I like that you made a low level item, why should we be limited to scrolls and potions in a world as fantastic as this? Nice. The mechanics leave something to be desired (as stated above) and I think anti-incorporeal items appear every year. But the low-level nature of this one makes it unique and it if applies to a haunt (also common in RPGSS), it will be a must-have for firsties. :)
Congratulations and nice job.
Congratulations Isaac on making the Top 32!
You've provided a very nicely written item here - good flavour and clear mechanics make for a great combination.
Some issues have been noted previously but I like that it's designed to allow low-level PCs to get an edge over incorporeal monsters. That's not something we've really seen before and it opens up new areas of play - inexperienced characters using every resource they have to combat spectral undead. A wet behind the ears party getting loaded up with Ethersnare Dust and setting off to brave a haunted crypt, wondering always if the dust will be enough to protect them, is a very nice concept.
Contrary to Wolfgang's thoughts on the matter, it's niche items that set off the most creative ideas for me. Something like this makes me want to come up with interesting ways to work it into a plot (as a GM) or a combat tactic (as a player). That's exactly what I want out of a superstar item. Well done!
Dear Isaac,
Whilst attention's all over Superstar '14 at the moment, I just thought I'd mention that my PCs nearly bought some ethersnare dust in our PbP last week. If I wasn't so stingy with treasure they'd probably have it right now, and they may later regret passing it up.
Thanks for a neat item!