Gag Villains!

Right now I should be working: real work, work on my stat block [just in case], chores, whatever. Instead, I've decided to waste everyone's time with a gag villain thread.

For some reason, all of the feedback for the various villains coalesced in my head and gave rise to this idea for a gag villain. I read a lot of judge comments along the lines of, "Your villain is only ambiguously evil and presents the PCs with cliched moral quandries; we want villains that are truly evil and force the PCs into deadly challenges." I especially got the impression that Clark wanted to see mean villains who are driven by an obsession of some sort, and so I present:

Maetros Skrudge, Aspiring Overlord
Human Male Rogue 1/Druid 1

Description
Maetros is a handsome, charming, well-dressed young man of refined taste and obvious good breeding. He is heir to a once-powerful merchant family in a major port city, but his family's fortunes have been in steady decline for decades: under his grandfather's leadership, Skrudge Shipping dominated the sea lanes, but Maetros' father made a steady string of bad business descisions. At his father's death, Maetros inherited only a handful of cargo ships, but has since begun to build the company back up again. At first he blamed his father for the family's decline, but soon after his father's death he realized the truth when he became the new target for his mother's incessant, inane nagging. In response, he committed his first act of true evil: he sent her off to the infamous "Swettshuap Home for the Elderly," where she spends her waning days churning out bedrolls, travel cloaks, and other sundry adventuring supplies that nobody ever actually gives any thought to. He never writes or visits her, especially not on her birthday.

Motivations/Goals
Maetros wants more than the simple dominance Skrudge Shipping enjoyed under his grandfather: he wants complete and utter control of all of the sea lanes and waterways in the entire world. Although he is a very skilled and ruthless businessman, he knows that business acumen alone will not be enough to realize his dream of global monopoly, and so he has decided to take extraordinary measures: he is training sea-creatures to attack rival vessels so that his ships will be the only ones able to travel safely. He has been secretly training sharks in a hidden grotto outside of town; soon, he will begin trials in the local harbor. If successful, he will move on to more amibtious projects like giant squids. In order to make them more obedient and aggressive, he feeds his sharks with kittens. He steals the kittens from little girls...on their birthdays. If birthday-present kittens are in short supply, he feeds the sharks with rabbits bred for their unusually large and round eyes.

Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks

• Being first-level characters, the party has decided to take on a task with appropriate difficulty and risk: monitoring the petting zoo animals at a little girl's birthday party. They notice a masked intruder sneaking in to steal the birthday girl's new kitten.
  
• Maetros sees the adventurers at the local tavern. Being a bit paranoid, he assumes (incorrectly) that thay have come to town for the specific purpose of investigating the recent rise in shark attacks. He hatches an elaborate plot to lure them out to his grotto, sneak up behind them, and shove them into his shark pool. He hires a small group of thugs to attack the party and gives their leader a note with hints leading back to the hidden grotto.
  
• The next time the characters travel by water, for whatever reason, no matter how briefly, they are attacked by sharks. Lots of sharks. Even if it's fresh water. After the battle, they find a note on one of the dead sharks, with clues leading them back to the hidden grotto.
  
• One of the party members buys a new piece of equipment and discovers a note hidden inside, which leads the party back to the Swettshuap Home for the Elderly, where a deranged old crone tells them the story of an evil young man bent on world domination, but first she chides them for tracking mud inside.
  

The worst part is, I suspect that Clark (well, lots of people, actually) will probably like this better than my actual submission...

Nice...I've been thinking about a gag villain but I haven't fleshed him all out yet. I'm thinking about creating a high level Cleric of Love...basically Ron Jeremy. His stat block will be interesting because he wll probably have to have split stats like endurance 14/18...14 upper body, 18 lower body. Its silly really but it gave me a laugh.

Wow, aspiring overlord is such an awesome title. And the kitten angle is so eeeevil. :) I would totally have voted for this.:)

No raccoons. Reject! :-)

No raccoons. Reject! :-)

Oooh! That gave me a really great idea for minions: he uses his half-fiend raccoon animal companion to kidnap the kittens and bring them back to him when he's too busy to steal them himself. I mean, half-fiend, half-dragon raccoon animal companion--you can't have enough templates, you know!

taig wrote:

No raccoons. Reject! :-)

Oooh! That gave me a really great idea for minions: he uses his half-fiend raccoon animal companion to kidnap the kittens and bring them back to him when he's too busy to steal them himself. I mean, half-fiend, half-dragon raccoon animal companion--you can't have enough templates, you know!

I don't know which violation is more egregious: commenting on your villain before voting is done or applying a metric ton of hackneyed templates.

But the raccoons negate all that. You get my vote.

But the raccoons negate all that. You get my vote.

But you haven't heard mine yet! I plan on using the dire animal template from the Book of Templates in conjunction with the manimal template from Green Ronin's Advanced Bestiary to make R'kket Raccoon, a completely original character I came up with. And he'll be statted using my thaumaturge conversion from Erik Mona's Book of Fiends.

Do I get your vote now? :D

Maetros sees the adventurers at the local tavern. Being a bit paranoid, he assumes (incorrectly) that thay have come to town for the specific purpose of investigating the recent rise in shark attacks. He hatches an elaborate plot to lure them out to his grotto, sneak up behind them, and shove them into his shark pool. He hires a small group of thugs to attack the party and gives their leader a note with hints leading back to the hidden grotto.

The next time the characters travel by water, for whatever reason, no matter how briefly, they are attacked by sharks. Lots of sharks. Even if it's fresh water. After the battle, they find a note on one of the dead sharks, with clues leading them back to the hidden grotto.

Bolding is my emphasis.

This entry is definitely in my top 5. I love that the villain is supposed to be first level, but you could not resist the level of druid.

I have to say, the shark having a note with clues leading back to the hidden grotto made me laugh in a very good way.

taig wrote:

But the raccoons negate all that. You get my vote.

But you haven't heard mine yet! I plan on using the dire animal template from the Book of Templates in conjunction with the manimal template from Green Ronin's Advanced Bestiary to make R'kket Raccoon, a completely original character I came up with. And he'll be statted using my thaumaturge conversion from Erik Mona's Book of Fiends.

Do I get your vote now? :D

But, your R'kket Raccoon is a hero, not a villain. Now, if he switched his alliance from the Guardians of the Celestial (just to grab a name out of a hat), then you'd get my vote.

Actually, I'd seriously vote for that.

It irks me that everything always has to be so deadly serious. I like levity in my games (in fact it's been proven we cannot run a game without it even if we try to.) I stand by Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay as some of the best quest books I've ever encountered and they were full of humorous word-plays here and there, and more than a few funny villains. The way I see it, anything devoid of humour is infinity inferior to anything that splashes it in in approprite places. (Note: so long as it is not over-used, there are no inappropriate places for humour.)

A villain is as threatening as their game mechanics, ultimately. If the concept is awesome, but the mechanics are lame, you will fail to scare the PCs once combat starts.

On the otherhand, if the villain is a bit silly, but the mechanics are solid, you will have the joy of watching the PCs go from laughing or sneering to having an outright "oh crap!"

One can see the (1st level) PCs laughing themslevs silly at this little fop - right up until the point he says "Entangle!" while they're swimming...

Well, if I’d entered the competition and got through to round 2, my villain would have been as follows: A two-foot tall gnome wizard, bald but with huge white sideburns, and wearing a red robe. Strangely, he’d have a human half-fiend son with one curved horn, and the pair would appear to be estranged, but really they are allies. The gnome is the most destructive villain ever, a manipulative mastermind who uses patsies in the form of teenaged “do-gooder” adventurers; he even gives such adventurers a magic item each, and convinces them to do his dirty work, (unwittingly) destroying centuries-old buildings.
I can’t think of a name for the gnome. Any ideas? ;-)

If you gag a villain, he's just gonna use a Silenced spell!

Alright, Gag vilan.... off the top of my head....

Arrow Smyth (Bard 6th level)
Before you stands a grungy looking figure; With dirty Performers clothing all worn with tears in the leggings. Arrow sports a hook wear his right hand used to be until he was caught with the Mayors daughter one nigt after a party at the local Pub. Messy long black hair a That is frizzy from to much head banging tops this contenually unremarkable man. What sets this man apart from other would be musicians is his uncanny ability to wail on his Lute.
Motivations/Goals
TO become a Musical God, caplable of Shwooning millruling millions of self concious teenagers.
* Teenagers are running amuk in the strets at night. Parents of the Village call in the PCs to find the source of this dibotchery.
* The Kings daughter is missing, last seen with a seedy young gentlman Leaving the scene of a tavern brawl turned riot. The kingdoms Heir.
* Korvosa is in an uproar as Mindless teenagers are Looting and destroying the City. Who could brainwash all these nice, obeadient children(according to their parents....)

Alright, Gag vilan.... off the top of my head....

Arrow Smyth (Bard 6th level)
Before you stands a grungy looking figure; With dirty Performers clothing all worn with tears in the leggings. Arrow sports a hook wear his right hand used to be until he was caught with the Mayors daughter one nigt after a party at the local Pub. Messy long black hair a That is frizzy from to much head banging tops this contenually unremarkable man. What sets this man apart from other would be musicians is his uncanny ability to wail on his Lute.
Motivations/Goals
TO become a Musical God, caplable of Shwooning millruling millions of self concious teenagers.
* Teenagers are running amuk in the strets at night. Parents of the Village call in the PCs to find the source of this dibotchery.
* The Kings daughter is missing, last seen with a seedy young gentlman Leaving the scene of a tavern brawl turned riot. The kingdoms Heir.
* Korvosa is in an uproar as Mindless teenagers are Looting and destroying the City. Who could brainwash all these nice, obeadient children(according to their parents....)

Pretty entertaining concept - however, I do hope the godawful spelling errors are deliberate ...

Yeah, i have bad spelling. on top of that this is an old keyboard, and if you don't press hard enough then it doesn't take. I thought it was pretty funny, though.

WOW, you were right, that was hoorible, even for me.... so i fixed it.

Arrow Smyth (Bard 6th level)
before you stands a grungy looking figure; with dirty Performers clothing all worn with tears in the leggings. Arrow sports a hook wear his right hand used to be until he was caught with the Mayors daughter one night after a party at the local Pub. Messy long black hair that is frizzy from to much head banging tops this continually unremarkable man. What sets this man apart from other would be musicians; is his uncanny ability to wail on his Lute.
Motivations/Goals
*TO become a Musical God, capable of beguile millions of self conscious teenagers. Teenagers are running amok in the streets at night. Parents of the Village call in the PCs to find the source of this debauchery.
* The Kings daughter is missing, last seen with a seedy young gentleman Leaving the scene of a tavern brawl turned riot. The kingdoms Heir.
* Korvosa is in an uproar as Mindless teenagers are Looting and destroying the City. Who could brainwash all these nice, obedient children(according to their parents....)

Here we go… (apologies for the UK spellings)

Captain Olaf

Hopelessly over the word count, but I hope it’s fun…. :)

Is it wrong that I think that idea is so awesome that it's better than some - nay even many - of the actual serious villains? And indeed many pop culture villains?

I mean, yes, he's an egomanical goldfish - but at the end of the day he's a goldfish who's going to kick the crap out of you. How scary is that?

Is it wrong that I think that idea is so awesome that it's better than some - nay even many - of the actual serious villains? And indeed many pop culture villains?

I mean, yes, he's an egomanical goldfish - but at the end of the day he's a goldfish who's going to kick the crap out of you. How scary is that?

I'd be much more concerned if he was going to kick the carp out of me.

I'd be much more concerned if he was going to kick the carp out of me.

That might actually be useful if you're afflicted with this...

;-D
--Neil

taig wrote:

I'd be much more concerned if he was going to kick the carp out of me.

That might actually be useful if you're afflicted with this...

;-D
--Neil

I sea your point.

Hmm, a gag villian. Not to go into it but who likes the necromancer who thinks he's a bard? He isn't the undead army necromancer, though he does keep a few around for a band/guards. Since he thinks he's a bard all his spells are cast in a sing-song way.
"You hear a whistle and get hit by magic missile!"
or
"The ray to you I sent, was of Enfeeblement!"
So what do you think?

Hmm, a gag villian. Not to go into it but who likes the necromancer who thinks he's a bard? He isn't the undead army necromancer, though he does keep a few around for a band/guards. Since he thinks he's a bard all his spells are cast in a sing-song way.

"You hear a whistle and get hit by magic missile!"
or
"The ray to you I sent, was of Enfeeblement!"
So what do you think?

It sounds like his heart is two sizes too small.

So he is working on a heart enlarging ritual. Unfortunately for the test subjects, this causes their normal sized hearts to burts out of their chests, killing them. And are the enlarged hearts some kind of hideous cardiac golem? With snapping valves and squirts of acidic blood?

Dragonborn3 wrote:

Hmm, a gag villian. Not to go into it but who likes the necromancer who thinks he's a bard? He isn't the undead army necromancer, though he does keep a few around for a band/guards. Since he thinks he's a bard all his spells are cast in a sing-song way.

"You hear a whistle and get hit by magic missile!"
or
"The ray to you I sent, was of Enfeeblement!"
So what do you think?

It sounds like his heart is two sizes too small.

So he is working on a heart enlarging ritual. Unfortunately for the test subjects, this causes their normal sized hearts to burts out of their chests, killing them. And are the enlarged hearts some kind of hideous cardiac golem? With snapping valves and squirts of acidic blood?

I think if Nick Logue were judging the villains, this would be on the top of his list...

And another one. Sorry that it's another sorcerer, but it was the only class which I felt fitted in with the background which I wanted.

Andros Pebwirth

Still over the official word count, but closer to it than the previous one....

I have to say, if you cut out the Goals, and replace them with something credible, this is a pretty solid character description... unfortunately i do not think this guy qualifies as a Gag Villian, just incredibly narrow minded.:C

I have to say, if you cut out the Goals, and replace them with something credible, this is a pretty solid character description... unfortunately i do not think this guy qualifies as a Gag Villian, just incredibly narrow minded.:C

Well, I thought it was funny. And perfectly credible. Insane comes in many forms. One of them is turnips;)

Gag villains eh? ^_^ Some entertaining ones here, for a certainty.

And another one. Sorry that it's another sorcerer, but it was the only class which I felt fitted in with the background which I wanted.

For some reason, while reading each of your submissions I heard the theme song to "Binky and the Brain" in my head. Both of your villains are very funny, but they also both possess the mechanics of great villains. Why is it that this thread keeps producing villains better than some of the top 32 (myself included) submitted?

Captain Olaf is honestly a villain I would consider using; the only thing that gives me pause is the thought of what a nightmare his stat block would be. The only thing truly goofy about him is the fact that he is a goldfish, but even that is something a DM can use. The most obvious path would be to give him a serious Napoleon complex, but I think the better way would be to make him immune to ridicule because years of obvious bad jokes have inured him to it and because he suborns his ego to his goals. When adversaries laugh at him, he uses the extra time to his advantage, and they stop laughing in a hurry when he disabuses them of their preconceptions.

Here we go with another over-the-top misfit, thrown together in about an hour. This one's more martial...

Reginald Poncefoot III

Well, your plot hooks are a little weak, but other then that, a very solid Gnome. He would deinately gotten one of my round two votes, as i had 1 that i didn't really have a good choice left for. This would have bumped off alot of fence riders.:)
All in all, better than my gag vilian. Of course i was actually going for a Gag and not a plausible villian.

And, whilst tidying up some loose ends, I came across this one and have finished him off. I think this one even came in under the word limit!
Merik